It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here
So I am going to be ok again. I fell into my little hole. Again. And I went and got the help that I needed. The pills are starting to kick in and the black is starting to fade to grey around the edges. I know it is a slow process, but today for the first time I felt lighter. And I had an actual interest in life.
Isn't that sad? That I have had to force and interest in my children? The little beings who I love more than I love anything. ANYTHING. And even though my interest is forced, my love for them is what made me seek help.
I took a break from posting, because I was tired of forcing positivity and sunshine and happiness. I was worried it was starting to sound forced. I don't want to be that way... It is not the way that I am. I am a happy, positive, fairly content person, I like to make other feel great about themselves, (I believe in karma, the law of three, and paying it forward), but I feel like I can only do that when I am feeling good myself.
Something that does surprise me is how much Depression is ignored. I think it is getting better, people are a little more accepting of the fact that friends, family, neighbours or even children may suffer from depression. The Friends that I have told have been incredibly supportive without being patronising or overly sympathetic (in that horrible fake way that some people can be). And I don't think they will ever know how appreciative I am of their understanding.
I am lucky enough that a little pill, taken for a few months fixes the chemical imbalance that occurs in my brain, and makes me feel like myself again. Then I am back to being the positive, happy-go-lucky, supportive, active, loving person that I am. I find my black cloud to be very very frustrating. I don't know why, I just know that my little magic pills fix things. Despite a few side effects, which are worth living with for a few months while my brain resets itself.
Right now, I am looking forward to living my life. Going out. Remembering appointments. Getting out with my kids and not resenting their complete happy abandon when they run in the streets, shrieking because the ice-cream van is around the corner. I am jealous of their innocence and their joy. And I am aware of how that sounds.
I think I just want it out there. I suffer from depression. Its mild if I catch it early, but I can descend in to an emotionless abyss if I don't catch the negativity that seems to creep up on me. I hate that it does.
But I am glad that eventually I catch myself and get my ass to the doc and get the help that I need. Thank goodness I found a doctor who is forward thinking enough not to just dismiss it as "ah well, you're just feeling a bit down, get a babysitter for the kids and get out a bit". Yes, that is what a doctor actually told me.
So yes, expect normal posting to resume shortly, my Ice-cream van is just around the corner, I can hear its song playing faintly...